This document is a transcription, as close as possible to word for word, of the Topin Wagglegammon ceremony which took place at the Aerican Embassy to Everything Else on October 26 2000.
[A room has been designated the chapel. It is of medium size, perfectly comfortable for the ten people seated and the altar at the front. The attendees look up as a door on the side opens and the Emperor enters. He is wearing black pants and a black shirt over a white t-shirt, and a makeshift cape hangs from his shoulders. A happy face amulet hangs from his neck, and each lapel has a clan pin from Vampire: the Masquerade; Nosferatu on one side, Ventrue on the other. Eric moves to greet various people, and people talk for a few minutes. Soon, everyone sits and Eric moves to the altar. It is a five dollar podium. On it sits a life sized plush penguin "pillow buddy," a stuffed happy face, some papers, one candle, a little glass bowl with water, and several books. Eric selects one of them, and pulls some papers, stapled together, out of it. Each member of the congregation has copies of the same paper.]
Eric: All rise.
[All present stand. As one, the congregation does three little hops in place.]
All: Boingy! Boingy! Boingy!
Eric: Be seated.
[All sit.]
Eric: In nominae Forsteri. Die Forsteri Dominae, dona eis requiem.
[With each word of the 'Die Forsteri Dominae, dona eis requiem', the Emperor makes a point of a pentagram in the air, starting with the left top corner and making a point with each word. The sixth point is in the point of origin, the top left]
All: In nominae Forsteri.
Eric: I welcome you all today, on this Topin Wagglegammon. Today we gather in worship of all things silly, and the worshipers of Forsteri gather in worship of the Great Penguin as well. Let us begin this service with a reading. The book of Adams, book 1, chapter 18.
[The Emperor clears his throat]
And the next thing that happened after that was that the Heart of Gold continued on its way perfectly normally with a rather fetchingly redesigned interior. It was somewhat larger, and doneout in delicate pastel shades of green and blue. In the center a spiral staircase, leading nowhere in particular, stood in a spray of ferns and yellow flowers and next to it a stone sundialpedestal housed the main computer terminal. Cunningly deployed lighting and mirrors created the illusion of standing in a conservatory overlooking a wide stretch of exquisitely manicuredgarden. Around the periphery of the conservatory area stood marble-topped tables on intricately beautiful wrought-iron legs. As you gazed into the polished surface of the marble the vagueforms of instruments became visible, and as you touched them the instruments materialized instantly under your hands. Looked at from the correct angles the mirrors appeared to reflect all therequired data readouts, though it was far from clear where they were reflected from. It was in fact sensationally beautiful.
Relaxing in a wickerwork sun chair, Zaphod Beeblebrox said, ''What the hell happened?''
''Well I was just saying,'' said Arthur lounging by a small fish pool, ''there's this Improbability Drive switch over here ...'' he waved at where it had been. There was a potted plant there now.
''But where are we?'' said Ford who was sitting on the spiral staircase, a nicely chilled Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster in his hand.
''Exactly where we were, I think ...'' said Trillian, as all about them the mirrors showed them an image of the blighted landscape of Magrathea which still scooted along beneath them. Zaphod leapt out of his seat.
''Then what's happened to the missiles?'' he said.
A new and astounding image appeared in the mirrors.
''They would appear,'' said Ford doubtfully, ''to have turned into a bowl of petunias and a very surprised looking whale ...''
''At an Improbability Factor,'' cut in Eddie, who hadn't changed a bit, ''of eight million seven hundred and sixty-seven thousand one hundred and twenty-eight to one against.''
Zaphod stared at Arthur.
''Did you think of that, Earthman?'' he demanded.
''Well,'' said Arthur, ''all I did was ...''
''That's very good thinking you know. Turn on the Improbability Drive for a second without first activating the proofing screens. Hey kid you just saved our lives, you know that?''
''Oh,'' said Arthur, ''well, it was nothing really ...''
''Was it?'' said Zaphod. ''Oh well, forget it then. OK, computer, take us in to land.''
''But ...''
''I said forget it.''
Another thing that got forgotten was the fact that against all probability a sperm whale had suddenly been called into existence several miles above the surface of an alien planet.
And since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this poor innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity as a whale before it then had to come to termswith not being a whale any more.
This is a complete record of its thoughts from the moment it began its life till the moment it ended it.
Ah ... ! What's happening? it thought.
Er, excuse me, who am I?
Hello?
Why am I here? What's my purpose in life?
What do I mean by who am I?
Calm down, get a grip now ... oh! this is an interesting sensation, what is it? It's a sort of ... yawning, tingling sensation in my ... my ... well I suppose I'd better start finding names for things if I want to make any headway in what for the sake of what I shall call an argument I shall call the world, so let's call it my stomach.
Good. Ooooh, it's getting quite strong. And hey, what's about this whistling roaring sound going past what I'm suddenly going to call my head? Perhaps I can call that ... wind! Is that a goodname? It'll do ... perhaps I can find a better name for it later when I've found out what it's for. It must be something very important because there certainly seems to be a hell of a lot of it. Hey! What's this thing? This ... let's call it a tail - yeah, tail. Hey! I can really thrash it about pretty good can't I?
Wow! Wow! That feels great! Doesn't seem to achieve very much but I'll probably find out what it's for later on. Now - have I built up any coherent picture of things yet?
No.
Never mind, hey, this is really exciting, so much to find out about, so much to look forward to, I'm quite dizzy with anticipation ...
Or is it the wind?
There really is a lot of that now isn't it?
And wow! Hey! What's this thing suddenly coming towards me very fast? Very very fast. So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like ... ow ... ound ... round ... ground!
That's it! That's a good name - ground!
I wonder if it will be friends with me?
And the rest, after a sudden wet thud, was silence.
Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petuniashad thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now.
[The Emperor sets down the book, lifts a glass of water from a shelf within the altar, and takes a drink]
Eric: And is it not relevant that this would be the chapter we read on this Topin Wagglegammon? A day when so many people ask, who am I? What do I want? Why am I here? Where am I going? And why am I in this handbasket? A time when we must not only look at our silliness, but at ourselves. We can no more have a madness without a method than we can have a method without a madness.
[The Emperor pauses, then lifts up his prayer sheet again. The sheets have been opened to a page with a series of phrases. Each one is a short verse, chant, or prayer, provided by one member of the congregation]
Let us continue. Please remember, it is not the words you use, but the heart behind them.
All: Om Mane Padme Hum.
Shema Israel, adonai eloheinu, adonai echad.
As soon as we're born we start dying, so we might as well have a good time
There comes a time 'tween life and death, when all men stop to catch their breath. They look to the heavens, they question their lot. The heavens open wide and reply, why not?
Jesus saves, Buddha forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich.
Santa, this year, I've been a very good boy, and I want lots of neat presents.
Oh, lord, we beseech thee, amen.
Oh Great Weasel, protect us from the banality of the Normals, and grant us thy strength, grace and cunning.
Oh Forsteri, Great Penguin, grant us thy boon of thought and deed, that our actions be driven by the wing with the strength of thy talon.
Oh, hell.
[All turn the page]
All: Forsteri, Great Penguin, grant us thy silliness. Give us the strength of thy talon that we may slice away the burden of reality. Give us the power of thy intelligence, that we may solve the problems we face. Grant us thy simple grace and joy, that no matter what we face, we hold the serenity of the Penguin in our hearts and minds.
[All are now proceed to a silent meditation portion, alternating between reading a series of prayers and making their own prayers to whatever forces they wish. This period of meditation lasts just under seven minutes. Eric lifts a matchbook and lights the candle. It catches flame immediately, and has the distinct smell of sandalwood.]
Eric: As the service concludes, I would like you all to remember the meaning of this day. Any religion is only as strong as its followers, and any faith is only as strong as its followers. Our holidays have only the meaning which we give them, and our gods the devotion we grant them. Consider then, that the meaning of Topin Wagglegammon is elucidated more than anything by the celebrants, and what they feel, what they say. And what are the faithful saying?
[All are silent for a few seconds, as Eric's gaze sweeps the room. He grins and raises the candle over a bowl of water]
Eric: Exactly!
[And with that final word, Eric turns the candle upside down and dips it in the bowl, extinguishing it. The ceremony ends.]
Back to the Aerica main page! Back to the Museum!