ÿþ<HEAD> <title>Eric's Archive</title> <META NAME="description" CONTENT="Eric's Head, the irregularly updated journal of Eric Lis"> <META NAME="keywords" CONTENT="eric, lis, emperor, aerica, aerican, journal, eric's head"> </HEAD> <left><font face="Times New Roman"> <font face="Monotype Corsiva,Bernhard Modern Roman,Unicorn,BellGothic,News Gothic MT"> <center> <big><big><big><big> Eric's Archive<br> Entries 101-110<P> </big></big></big></big></font> <I> Those who forget the past<Br> Are doomed to reread it.<p></I> </center> <a href="http://www.aericanempire.com/eric/index.html">Most recent</a><BR> <a href="111-120.html">Entries 111-120</a><BR> <a href="#110">Entry 110</a> May 3 2005<BR> <a href="#109">Entry 109</a> April 30 2005<BR> <a href="#108">Entry 108</a> April 27 2005<BR> <a href="#107">Entry 107</a> April 24 2005<BR> <a href="#106">Entry 106</a> April 21 2005<BR> <a href="#105">Entry 105</a> April 18 2005<BR> <a href="#104">Entry 104</a> April 15 2005<BR> <a href="#103">Entry 103</a> April 12 2005<BR> <a href="#102">Entry 102</a> April 9 2005<BR> <a href="#101">Entry 101</a> April 6 2005<BR> <a href="http://www.aericanempire.com/eric/001-100/091-100.html">Entries 91-100</a><BR> <a href="http://www.aericanempire.com/eric/archive.html">Archive</a><BR> <HR> <a name="110"></a> <U><B>The Continuing Relevance of Star Wars</b></u><P> Coming soon to a theatre near you: George Romero's <I>Weekend at Bernie's III</I>. And speaking of movies...<P> Some people might say that Star Wars is no longer of particular importance to the world around us. Where once Star Wars was a unique series, a milestone in entertainment, a cultural icon and the standard against which all other science fiction and, indeed, all other entertainment was compared, the years since Episode 1 have seen Star Wars fall from grace in every possible way. There is some validity to this accusation, but it is grounded in several mistakes due to ranter bias. Consider, for example, the accusation that Star Wars has become overly commercialized, and that this has ruined the purity of the original series. To these people I point out one salient fact: we all know what an Ewok is, but the word "Ewok" is never actually spoken, at any time, during the trilogy. The word is known to us solely by virtue of marketing. Of course, some absolute purists are quick to point out that they consider Return of the Jedi to be the moment when the trilogy sold out, but to these people, I simply point to the Tauntaun action figure with opening stomach to allow children to stick figures inside, and before that, there were no shortages of toys... very gimmicky toys... based on the first film. The series has always been heavily commercialized; that's what's paid for each sequel, and there's no justice in getting upset just because the toys aren't the ones you want to play with anymore.<P> Another accusation against the series has been that each episode after The Empire Strikes Back has been of lower quality than the last; they argue that before Episode 5, the series was pure, unblemished, beautiful and wonderful. To these people, I say 2 words: "Holiday Special." As with every series, there are some good bits... and some very, painfully, excruciatingly, agonizingly bad ones. There is no justice in saying one film is bad because you didn't like another one, and there is no justice in hating a thing because the preceding episode was poorly done.<P> Finally, some people criticize the films... new and old... on the grounds that they are nothing more than shameless special effects and lack anything resembling acting, plot, direction, characterization, and so forth. To these people I have no reply save to point out that Star Wars is a science fiction/fantasy series... special effects, lousy writing and bad acting are exactly what it ought to be. <P> Star Wars is an excellent series, but it had the misfortune of being a hit when it was new. That's a curse no series ever recovers from... to hit the high point early on when there's still story left to tell means that no one will ever truly love the later parts the same way, especially when Star Wars had the bad luck to come out during the childhood of today's geek elite. The first Star Wars films shaped our lives and, to a large extent, the larger North American culture, and no sequel is ever going to match that. <P> We have no right to expect it to.<P> The proper attitude one should have towards Star Wars is that it *was* a wonderful thing, and it *was* something which shaped our lives, gamer culture, and much of what has followed it. We can't hold new films to that standard... we can just try and enjoy them for what they are: newer movies, with good points and bad ones. You have to walk into them expecting a movie. Not a great movie, just a good one. If you walk into episode 3 expecting recapture the magic of episodes 4 and 5, you're doomed to disappointment... and you probably deserve it.<P> So, with all that said, why do we celebrate Star Wars Day tomorrow? What is the continuing relevance which Star Wars, as an institution, has in our lives? Answering this question requires that we think of Star Wars as just that, an institution, and not a series of films. It means that we must consider the elegance and majesty of the 21-novel-long storyline of the New Jedi Order as well as the six films. It means we must grit our teeth and meditate upon the horror that was the Holiday Special and the Young Jedi Knight books as well as our mint-condition rancors with real figure-swallowing action. It means that we must consider the agony of the Ewok movies even while we gaze in love upon our twelve-inch-tall, motion-sensing, real-movie-dialogue-speaking Boba Fett with real cloth cape. Star Wars is all these things and more. It's not just movies and books and cartoons and action figures and breakfast cereals and lunchboxes and pez-dispensers and videogames and trading cards and legos and desktop themes and bad fan websites and audio books and comics and statues and life-sized costumes and Lucas only knows what else... it's a way of life. Loving a person means learning to live with their flaws and loving Star Wars means learning to tolerate Jar-Jar if that's the price you pay to see Darth Maul.<P> And so, on Star Wars Day, we give our thanks to the gods that things exist which give us pleasure. We focus upon the things we love about Star Wars and we meditate upon how something as simple as 100 minutes of a whiny farm-boy, a stoned princess, a greasy carpenter and a "talking" rug can change the world. For each of us who has lay awake at night wondering what type of Jedi they would be... for each of us who has tried to pick up our can of soda that was lying just out of reach using the power of our mind... for each of us who wears heavy boots because it sounds like Darth Vader when we walk down the hall... and for each of us who's enjoyed seeing even one of the films even a single time... we have tomorrow.<P> May the Fourth be with you. Buy Star Wars toys. <HR> <a name="109"></a> <U><B>Connoisseurs</b></u><P> Only two kinds of people truly appreciate the value of truth: deceivers, and those who have been catastrophically lied to. This is illustrated by the words of a very wise humanoid, who once observed, "you try finding one true thing in this economy!" One who has been lied to disastrously understands the value of truth because they feel nearly destroyed by the absence of it. A deceiver, on the other hand, understands the value of truth because they speak so little of it, have seen what they can use untruth to accomplish and have seen how those around them react to truth, untruth, and what they correctly or incorrectly interpret as one or the other. A liar understands the value of truth because it's a rare commodity. So does someone who has been lied to once too often. Someone who tells the truth freely and without thought will never understand the value of truth, precisely because they give it freely. <P> According to the path of Forsteri, it is rarely if ever a sin to lie. It's not good to deliberately hurt someone with an untruth... unless they really deserve it, and I can name a few people who come to mind... but the mere act of telling a lie, unlike according to the tenets of That Other Religion, is not a bad thing. In principle, lying is no more or less than any other creative act, and while a painting or a novel might be quite patently untrue and inaccurate, they can still be appreciated for their beauty, their care, their creativity and the act of their creation. A novel won't physically take you to the place it describes, though, and you can't get touch or smell or taste from a painting... so too is a lie a work of art and should not be held as bad or wrong simply because it lacks some sort of sensory experience... in this case, accuracy.<P> Among mere acquaintances, Forsteri encourages lying. It is good to arrange to be seen as positive, of course, and lies are usually more pleasant for the listener to listen to and relate to. If you want to make friends with someone, a few lies are one of the best ways. Once you've become friends, lying is still good; it ensures that you can minimize disagreements and simplify interactions, improving both of your lives. As a friendship becomes closer, lying remains acceptable -- after all, if your closest friends can't accept that you lie to them, who will? If they truly are your friends, they will accept deceit as just one more of your charming eccentricities. Finally, in the closest of friendships, it is still fully acceptable to lie... it just stops being necessary. <P> Some people, for whatever reason, may prefer not to be lied to. That said, though, it always amazes me how few people will actually request that you not lie to them, once they learn that you are a deceiver. This may illustrate that they understand the beauty of lies, but more likely simply illustrates that they do not understand the value of truth. This is to be expected among most humans, however; most people are not deceivers, nor have they ever experienced a catastrophic lie. It should not be held against them that they do not understand, and the enlightened deceiver learns to appreciate their ignorance, for it gives free reign to lie to them until they ask otherwise. <P> But how does a deceiver interact with someone who does not want to be lied to? How can a deceiver cope with one who has been catastrophically deceived, and to whom telling even a simple lie would be a grave sin? If this other is not a close other, they can be lied to freely, because there is no inherent obligation to the deceiver to accede to this person's wishes. If the person is a friend, they can still be lied to, because they are a friend, and ought to trust that a deceived will never use their powers to do harm. If they are a close friend of the deceiver, perhaps even a confidant, then and only then might it be immoral to lie to them. But in such a close relationship, why would a lie be necessary to an enlightened individual?<P> Thus, when a deceiver forswears lying to someone, it is something not to be undervalued. Few and far between are the people who could even begin to understand the value of such a trust being extended by a deceiver. When one who takes pleasure in lying, whose art is lying, chooses not to lie, it is akin to an artist forswearing their medium... it means that when the art cries out inside not to be created, the artist must contain it and not create -- the greatest torture a true artist can undergo. But of course, most people reading this may not understand why... they do not appreciate the value of truth. <HR> <a name="108"></a> <U><B><I>Ninjas!</I></b></u><P> Have you ever noticed that everything is funnier with an exclamation mark at the end? Thank you, Zucker brothers, for improving all our lives.<P> In place of today's Entry is an old file from Eric's Slush Pile. This (almost) never before seen script was written as part of a challenge to write a sixty-second play and/or screenplay involving ninjas in some way. It ended up in the Slush Pile just because it never felt complete. None-the-less, it's one of my few attempts at a script which I was even vaguely satisfied with, and for want of anything better to write about today, you all get to suffer through it.<P> The scene: the interior of a classroom. There are some thirty desks in five rows of six. At the front of the room is a larger desk, with a briefcase on it. The students' desks are all empty, and the blackboard is partially erased. We can see the door, on which is written, backwards from our point of view, "Ninja 101." The teacher is at the front of the room; he is an elderly Japanese gentleman in an oxford suit. As the scene opens, he is erasing a drawing of a person with various arrows pointing to weapons sticking out of his body. As he erases the last of the drawing, the door opens and in walks the Student, a typical American-looking youth of indeterminate adolescent age.<P> Student: Excuse me, professor?<P> (A knife slips out of the teacher's sleeve, where the student cannot see it, but it vanishes again as the teacher turns to face the student)<P> Teacher: Yes?<P> Student: I want to learn how to be a ninja.<P> Teacher (with feigned innocence): Why do you think I could teach you such a thing? There are no ninjas here.<P> (Student looks perplexed)<P> Student: The sign on the door says this is Ninja 101.<P> Teacher: No it doesn't.<P> Student: Yes it does. It's right there.<P> Teacher: Does not.<P> Student: Does too.<P> Teacher: Does not.<P> Student: Does too. Look, I'll show you.<P> (Student begins to turn, and Teacher tosses a handful of chalk dust in Student's face. Student coughs and rubs his eyes; while he does, a pair of hands reaches up from the other side of the door and pulls off the words. Student clears his eyes and looks at the door in shock)<P> Student: It said so... I saw it...<P> Teacher: You were mistaken. There is no harm done. There are no ninjas here.<P> Student: I don't believe you. I know this is where they teach students how to become ninjas.<P> Teacher: And there are no ninjas here, so you must be mistaken. And do not look up.<P> (Student looks up. There is a moment of silence)<P> Student: There are ninjas clinging to your ceiling!<P> Teacher: No there aren't.<P> Student: Yes there are!<P> Teacher: No there aren't.<P> Student: Yes there are! There's a dozen men in black clinging to your ceiling!<P> (Student looks back at the teacher. Teacher looks up)<P> Teacher: I do not see anyone.<P> (There is another moment of silence as Student looks up again)<P> Student: They were there a minute ago.<P> Teacher: You see, no ninjas.<P> (Teacher begins to lead the unresisting student towards the door. Camera follows them to the door)<P> Student: I saw them...<P> Teacher: There were no ninjas.<P> (The door is opened, and Student is gently pushed out)<P> Student: Ninjas...<P> (Student's voice grows fainter; the door closes and he is gone. There is another moment of silence as Teacher brushes some chalk from his sleeve)<P> Teacher: This concludes our lecture for today.<P> (Camera pans back to cover the room. 12 people dressed as ninjas rise from the front desks and begin to file towards the door) <HR> <a name="107"></a> <U><B>Dating</b></u><P> As most of you know, I'm rather busy this week with Passover-related activities; my family is hosting two Seders and I'm spending an inhumane number of hours either working in the kitchens, running around to shops, or spending time with family (whether I want to or not). Rather than a full, original Entry for today, I'll instead fulfill the request sent to me by more than one reader for the full list of Imperial holidays, after the last two were apparently judged to be entertaining. Brief commentary has been added where appropriate. A handful of the items are dates which I celebrate but which are not official holidays.<P> January:<BR> 1: New Year's Day<BR> 2: Procrastinator's Day: Because, if you've done January first properly, you need an extra day to recover.<BR> 3: Snappy comeback day: On this date in history, Oscar Wilde passed through a customs checkpoint and said he had nothing to declare except his genius. He was subsequently fined. <BR> 8: Emperor Norton Day<BR> 10: Peculiar People Day: Because there are a lot of people who deserve a day but don't have one.<BR> Second Thursday: Pharmacists Day<BR> 29: Idiots Day<p> February:<BR> 27: *Oops* Day: On this date in history, the Tower of Pisa was officially judged to be the Leaning Tower of Pisa.<P> March:<BR> 3: I Want You To Be Happy Day <BR> 19: What the Heck is That Day: As readers of this Journal may remember, this is the date of the first ever recorded solar eclipse. If you missed the Entry for this one, go look it up... I think it's one of my best.<p> April<BR> 14: Tempting Fate Day<BR> 22: Inanimate Object Day<p> May:<BR> 4: Star Wars Day: May the fourth be with you.<BR> 8: Aerica Day: Date of founding of the Aerican Empire. Also Eric's birthday.<BR> 25: Towel Day: A day set aside in memory of Douglas Adams. On this day do we eat sandwiches and not panic.<P> June:<BR> 2: Important People Day: See also Peculiar People Day.<p> July:<BR> 4: Apocalypse Day: The date chosen by Nostradamus as the day the world would end... four or five years ago.<BR> 9: Mars Day: The date of the founding of Mars Colony, the Empire's most legal off-planet land claim.<p> August:<BR> 24: Saint Bill's Day: The released date of Windows 95, in 1996.<BR> 28: Significant Historical Events Day: See also Peculiar People Day.<P> September:<BR> 2: Onliners Day: Anniversary of the first ever working modem.<br> 10: Eric's Rebirthday<P> October:<BR> 12: International Moment of Frustration Day<BR> 26: Topin Wagglegammon<BR> 30: Wish We Hadn't Done That day: Anniversary of the radio broadcast of War of the Worlds, possibly one of the greatest deceptions in history.<p> November:<BR> 22: Conspiracy Theory day: Anniversary of the assassination of John F. Kennedy.<P> December:<BR> 23: Happy Things Day<BR> 29: Game Day <P> This lengthy list of happy days is one which should be recognized by all as the definitive list of holidays and special occasions, although it is, of course, always ready to have new good days added to it. And as we contemplate the many joyous days in our lives, it begs the question... why the hell am I losing my free time to celebrate Passover instead? <HR> <a name="106"></a> <U><B>The Joy of Stuff</b></u><P> Word is that some rumours have begun circulating about me in the last five days or so. I don't know what's funnier: the fact that no one has dared say them to my face, or the fact that after four years of starting rumours about myself, the one that's caught on is one I had nothing to do with. I love being me so very much...<P> So anyway...<P> Tomorrow, April 22nd, is Inanimate Objects Day, one of the holiest days in the Imperial calendar. On Inanimate Objects Day we give proper thanks and show proper appreciation to the many inanimate objects which make our lives better, and in many cases, possible. What objects, you might ask, are so important that you ought to be giving thanks to them, you might ask, in which case I reply, what the hell are you using to read this? Have you hugged your computer today?<P> Inanimate Objects Day comes to us having grown out of other, even more obscure holidays. For many years, the Imperial culture made no effort to show proper appreciation for inanimate objects, but there was always the sense that they deserved some respect. Early in the Empire's history, a holiday of gratitude was established, Give a Present to a Wall Day. Celebrated several years in a row (no, really, I'm not making this up), GaPtaWD involved the sacred ceremony of going to the store, buying a modest gift for one of the most beloved walls of your house, and presenting the gift to the wall. Now, as might be expected, the wall usually made no effort to take the gift, and so it was considered fully appropriate if, the day after GaPtaWD, the gift-giver opened the gift on the wall's behalf and, as appropriate, played with, ate, or displayed the gift, because we know that the wall would want it that way. As with everything else, as John Sheridan wisely observed, it's the thought that counts. Regrettably, GaPtaWD fell by the wayside over the years, and its original date of celebration was lost in the mists of time... but several years later, during the reformation of the Imperial calendar, Inanimate Objects Day was discovered by the priests of Forsteri and unanimously adopted into the Imperial calendar. In the years since, it has become one of the holiest and most beloved days... and the walls still haven't been claiming their presents.<P> Webster's dictionary defines "inanimate" as "not animate; not endowed with life or spirit; lacking consciousness or power of motion." Some might question what the value is of having a holiday dedicated to showing respect for Stuff which, by definition, cannot appreciate your respect. The answer to this is twofold. First, it's important for us to remember that we need Stuff to live and be comfortable. We rely on all sorts of Stuff for warmth, shelter, food, and entertainment; we ought to try very hard to never take this Stuff for granted. Second, just because an object is inanimate doesn't mean it lacks some form of awareness or thought, no matter what the editors at Webster want you to think. As Piers Anthony has observed, the inanimate are perfectly capable of being perverse, and as Joel Hodgson has observed, no sooner do you give life to two inanimate objects than they start mocking you and your species. Few and far between are the gamers who have never, even for a brief moment, wondered if maybe their dice were rolling a certain way on purpose, and the profusion of people who will talk to their computers during bluescreening or other Stuff at analogous times suggest that, deep down, we are all animists to one degree or another. For my part, I make a habit of thanking automatic doors for opening up for me, because if they didn't -- or if they decided it would be funny to guillotine closed instead of stay open for the proper time -- I'd have problems. It is surely better to give one day of each year appreciating our Stuff than risk that they feel unappreciated (and vengeful) for the whole year round. <P> I am thankful for many items of Stuff. I am grateful to my computer and, increasingly, to my brother's laptop which I've been using during his exams. Neither computer is perfect, but both allow me to do everything I need to do, and that's more than I can say for most Stuff. I am grateful for my car, which has served me well and loyally and not bothered me with the problems other cars, who feel unloved and unappreciated, give their owners. I am grateful for my dice which tend to roll well more often than not, and especially for my Random Luck Die, which gives to me the gift of Chaos when I need it most. I'm grateful to cans of iced tea because they contain tea. I'm grateful for movies in general because so many of them are good (especially Top Secret!, Return of the Killer Tomatoes, The Pirate Movie and Murder by Death). To all these and more, to all the inanimate objects in my life, I express my true and sincere thanks and, in many cases, my love and devotion. <P> And yes, I have hugged my computer while writing this. It deserved no less. <P> So, the lesson for today (well, really tomorrow, but whatever...) is that the inanimate objects around us are probably egoless, unthinking, unfeeling, and unsensing Stuff, but just in case, and even if they really can't appreciate the gesture, it behooves us to show our respect and love for the Things which make our lives better. Our Stuff deserves it. And anyway, the presents become ours on April 23rd. <HR> <a name="105"></a> <U><B>Did We Just Set Fire to the Sky?</b></u><P> I've spent some time this past month, in my little free time during exams, studying nuclear weapons. I've always had the normal, healthy gamer fascination with things that go boom, and it's safe to say that few things go boom with the degree of niftiness found in modern nuclear devices. Most people fail to appreciate the mathematical beauty of the nuclear bomb, to say nothing of the awe-inspiring simplicity inherent in the nuclear device. Nuclear explosives are, in many ways, things of great beauty and poetry. And they go boom, which is good too.<P> The heart of a nuclear device is one of the simplest machines ever devised by humanity. The first inventions of sentient life on this world were fire, weapons, and hammers. These simple machines are all similar in one respect: the basic principle is banging two rocks together, which humans have always been inherently good at. Human evolution isn't due to enlarged cortexes or opposable thumbs or music and poetry... it's grounded in our innate tendency to pick up one rock and hit it against another rock. It is this principle which, appropriately enough, is the basic principle of the atomic bomb. <P> The heart of a nuclear bomb, writes Robert A. Heinlein, is two rocks. You need two special rocks, but still basically just rocks. These rocks have to be some sort of fissionable material, like plutonium or uranium... two rocks named after angry gods, you'll note. Now, in small bits, these rocks are about as dangerous as any other lethally-radioactive rock... you don't want to stand too close, but they aren't going to explode. However, if a big enough chunk of rock is ever in one place -- what physicists refer to as "critical mass," one of the most misused phrases in the world, along with "nuclear meltdown" -- then a few of the atoms start doing funny things, which starts the other nearby atoms doing funny things -- hence the term "chain reaction" -- and the next thing you know, your lab has been replaced by a glass bowl and the weather is going to be "partly cloudy" for a little while. For obvious reasons, fissionable material tends not to be found it critical masses in nature, which means that when scientists build an atomic bomb, they get two pieces that are almost big enough to be critical masses and put them next to each other with a thin divider to keep them apart until the correct time.<P> And then, when the time is right, somebody bangs the rocks together.<P> There's a lot more to it than that, of course... For example, for maximum energy, the two rocks have to be shaped just right, so that the surfaces that hit are perfectly flat to ensure maximum contact and maximum critical mass, and the system which bangs the two rocks together consists of all sorts of complex wiring, circuitry, energy dampeners, capacitors, computers, altitude readers, and other things that the physicists put in to ensure they use up their budgets and the make certain the rocks don't get banged together at the wrong time or improperly. It's an entire science devoted to properly banging the two rocks together at the right place, at the right time, and in the right way. But it's still just hitting two rocks.<P> This logic is true in all things.<P> So pay attention in your daily life to how often your behaviour can be simplified down to smacking two rocks against each other. Hitting two rocks may require precise and perfect rocks and may trigger a cascade of reactions too complex for human mathematics to model, but as often as not, somewhere, there's two rocks. <P> And try not to blow up the planet. I live there. <HR> <a name="104"></a> <U><B>That Wacky Universe</b></u><P> <blockquote><I> And the Prophet said unto the people, remember well this day, and mark it. For on this day, of all days, does the Universe turn its ear towards us and, in its infinite wisdom, does take horrible ironic vengeance upon us for our mortal impertinence. It is this day, the end of the first fortnight of the fourth month of the year, when the Universe strikes down those who have reached too far... And thus, on the fifteenth day of the month, as the Universe's ear moves back away from us, is it our duty and our privilege to laugh at fate with all of our might. <p align=right> From </I>The Book of Contrivance<I>, chapter 19, verse 12. </blockquote><P></I> <left> Today is not a deep, meaningful holiday in the Imperial calendar. Yesterday was, but the Journal is every 3 days, and that's the way things go sometimes. That said, today is interesting because it is the day after a particular holiday, a holiday when the day after is as special as the day before, if not more so. On April 14th, 1912, history would record one of the great ironies of our civilization, when the Titanic, the unsinkable and indestructible ship, sank. While many mourned this tragedy and the music which was inspired by it, we are left, as always, to learn the lessons of history and increase our own understanding from the sadness of the past. There is one singular lesson which is to be learned from the tragedy: the Universe is a spiteful, stupid place, and irony, like magnetism and molecular bond force, is a fundamental force of that Universe.<P> This is why we commemorate April 14th, Tempting Fate Day. This is why we secretly also commemorate April 15th, and as surely as fate laughs at us, we laugh back.<P> It is one of our great powers as humans that we have the ability to tempt fate. It is tempting fate which in many ways gives our lives meaning... if you go to class, get a job, form pretty much any goals, you're tempting fate to step in and screw it all up. The Universe isn't some abstract concept, it's a cosmic entity, aware of us in its own way, and on top of everything else, it's an absolute bastard. For whatever reason, on that one day of the year... yesterday... the Universe stops taking a passive role in screwing with us and actively looks for the most ironic things to mess up, and so on April 14th we pause, we take stock of our goals, we lock all the doors and windows and go hide under the bed. But April 14th does not last forever and, come what may and sink what will, sooner or later the sun sets, the Universe turns its attention to other things, and we crawl out of our holes, look up at the stars, and point and laugh. <P> This is partially catharsis. It's also vengeance. Stupid Universe.<P> While the 14th is a day of hiding and thinking about all the things which have been destroyed due to the Universe's interfering and is, above all, about tempting fate, the 15th is all about laughing at fate. Laughing at things is another of our great powers... mighty and cosmic as the Universe is, it lacks the power to laugh at us directly, which is why it settles for breaking our stuff. We, in contrast, are not at all cosmic and are, not to put too fine a point on it, downright puny, but what we lack in cosmic Universe-altering magnificence, we make up with our ability to mock the world around us. Because it's a stupid Universe, and it doesn't like us, and we don't like it. And because it's good to laugh at things before they laugh at us. <P> So, everyone who reads this today should take a moment to laugh at fate. Look up at the sky-- you may need to go outside; if you do, you'll want to read the rest of the instructions first, or else you'll be outside and not know what to do next-- point at the Universe in general, and shout the following:<p> <blockquote>HA! Stupid fate! I laugh at thee! I mock you, O Universe! Bwa ha ha ha!<P></blockquote> The specific words may be altered as needed if other taunts occur to you or sound better, and if you have a preexisting maniacal laugh which you favour, you may use that instead of the one suggested. If anyone asks what you're doing, politely tell them you're busy laughing at fate and you'll talk to them in a minute when you're done. <P> With this vital task out of the way, the rest of the day should be spent telling jokes that poke fun at fate and the Universe. <BR> <UL> <LI>How many Universes does it take to change a light bulb? Two, because they're so stupid! Ha ha ha ha! <LI>Why did fate cross the road? Because it had to! Ha ha ha ha! <LI>What you get if you cross fate with the Universe? Something really annoying and stupid! Ha ha ha ha! </uL> It will be immediately apparent to you and anyone around you that these sample jokes are not particularly funny or intelligent. This is in part to prompt you to make up your own better jokes, and in part because the point is to laugh at the Universe, not at your jokes. <P> Now, better prepared to face the world, you too can go forth and laugh at fate. You too may take part in our collective mockery of the Universe. Stand up. Stand tall. Tempt fate.<P> Next holiday in the Imperial Calendar: April 22nd, Inanimate Objects Day. Have you hugged your computer today? <HR> <a name="103"></a> <U><B>Unscientific</b></u><P> There are a lot of labels I apply to myself. Some I take on enthusiastically, such as "author" and "architect." Others I have had thrust upon me, such as "geek" and "Empy." Some of the labels make more sense than others, but really, anyone who takes the trouble to understand their names, titles, duties and ranks will reach basically the same conclusion. It's of some interest, if only to me, that one of the things I am more than anything else is a scientist, dedicated to scientific method, objective study of the world, and advancement of knowledge in general... but I also worship gods I made up and generally have so many inexplicable beliefs that the MMPI rates me as having schizophrenic tendencies. So, at what point, if at any, do these titles begin to come into conflict?<P> Science and religion are interesting things. On the surface they appear to be utterly irreconcilable to most people, which I tend to feel goes to show that otherwise intelligent, rational people can be downright stupid at times. Most of the science teachers I've had have been agnostics at best and *vocal* atheists at worst, openly deriding people who hold religious beliefs. When it's just laughing at Baptists and Snake Handlers I can accept it and happily join in, but when they start talking about how the two paradigms can't possibly work together, I take issue. On the other hand, I've had a (small) number of professors who were both brilliant scientists and deeply spiritual people, notably an old organic chemistry professor of mine who I won't name but for whom I had tremendous respect in spite of his professed and deeply-held Christian beliefs. They tend to feel that, while it takes a little creative thinking, science can go along with religion. Sometimes, a lot of creative thinking.<P> The tricky thing is that religion is a question of belief in absence of evidence, and science is the acceptance based on evidence... at this fundamental level, the two are totally orthogonal. (I'll generously not complicate this argument by throwing in that I consider my religious beliefs to be grounded in firm, observable and quantifiable data.) At this very basic level... ignoring the subtleties of which biblical passages support or oppose evolution and whether or not the mathematical beauty of astrophysics is evidence of divine creation... science and faith really can't work together.<P> The astute reader may have noticed at this point that I'm asking the reader to overlook a lot of little issues. It is up to the reader to decide if this is to keep the argument less complex or just to ensure that my side comes out on top. Also, while I've broken the flow of the Entry anyway, I'd just like to toss in that nothing in the Judeo-Christian bible actually contradicts evolution as a theory; anyone who believes the two are irreconcilable doesn t know either one very well. My readers are generally very smart, wise, and clever people, and I'm assuming they know better.<P> The real significant Question here isn't whether religion and faith are reconcilable, but just whether it can be justified for a scientist to be religious/spiritual. As I see it, there's no real problem, for a number of reasons. First, scientific method requires that a hypothesis be generated and assumed to be true over the course of an experiment... so if life is one big experiment to prove or disprove the existence of the divine, isn't that, in its own way, true to science? Second, it is the mark of an enlightened mind to be able to accept the reality of paradox without collapsing into a whimpering ball of curdled humanity, and as such, it is a greater mind which can accept the duality of the Universe as a simultaneously measurable and immeasurable quantity, and not a greater mind which must choose measurable or not. Anyone can survive by absolute principles, but it takes a special kind of soul to accept the utter nonsense which is at the heart of the Universe.<P> Then again, I might be <font color="white">fnord</font> a little biased.<P> It is my opinion that everyone in the world ought to be both scientifically minded and spiritually minded. We need science to be able to see through the myriad stupid things around us-- as Carl Sagan put it, we need Baloney Detectors. We need spirituality to help us deal with the world and the things in it which are, fortunately, incomprehensible. Finally, we need faith to balance the excesses which science sometimes prompts, and science to ward off the many stupid things faith prompts people to do. Sadly, few people are capable of either mode of thinking, and those who follow one paradigm are rarely so enlightened as to be able to accept the validity of the other. <P> It is, as with all things, a question of balance. <HR> <a name="102"></a> <U><B>Recurrences</b></u><P> I confess: I have been known to reuse elements from my games. I realize this will not be an earth-shattering realization for people... the entire storyline of <I>Dungeons and Bandersnatches: The Ragon War</I> was, after all, stuff I'd used previously in online games... but today I shall reveal some of the little things which have been known to pop up not only between but also within my games. I hope that revealing these secrets will help my current players to have a deeper and more fundamental appreciation for the effort and art I put into my games, or, at the very least, will give me a long enough Entry that I can go and do something else as soon as possible.<P> Thought for the day: Today I was rereading the first few Entries I wrote for this thing, and noticed that I'd intended it to go only from last June to last August. Just goes to show.<p> So anyway...<p> The main thing I reuse in my games is names. Part of this is simply that I hate coming up with new names because I'm so rarely satisfied with the results. Sometimes the name of a character is so perfect that it's a beautiful thing, but most often, a character's name is something artificial and contrived just because my players have to be able to call it something. In cases like this, the name will often be inspired by whatever's in my field of vision -- hence, for example, the opening weeks of <I>Saga of the Chronomancer</I> taking place in a city called Coke. But there are also a few recurring names which I reuse deliberately, just to see if anyone catches it.<P> The first of these names is Key. Key is a name that gets attached to a character practically ever week, although the players only bother to discover the character's name once in a great while. Key is a name that gets applied to any minor functionary who exists in the game solely to link the players to his or her immediate superiors; he or she unlocks something, so to speak. Recent examples of a Key character include someone met by my players just this past session, the apprentice of a powerful necromancer who was in the game solely so that they could have a non-threatening person to introduce them to the evil wizard. <P> The second recurring name is actually several small names which tend to get applied to similar disposable characters. Every so often, players will encounter an NPC whose name is either Mac, Guff, or Finn, who exists in the game solely as a plot device and who, once encountered, vanishes from the story and is never seen again. Every town crier I have ever put into one of my games was tentatively named Mac, Guff, Finn, or some combination thereof. I'll be a little disappointed with any of my readers who doesn't know the reference, to be honest.<P> Not every recurring element in the games have been names, of course, although I could certainly list more gag names I've used over the years. Probably the recurring element which people have been the most curious about is my fascination with constructs and golems. Going back to the earliest days of D&B right up to last week's session of my current game, constructs have been a source of pain and horror to my players. There are all sorts of possible reasons why I'm fascinated by golems. First and foremost, I guess, is disposability. As an aspiring megalomaniacal mad scientist, I love the idea of an assembly line churning out magically-empowered killer robots. Second, most of you know my obsession with masks and faceless figures, so there's a definite appeal to golems. Finally, I've always felt that golems are one of the few truly Jewish elements of modern fantasy... the Greeks had Talos and the Babylonians had homicidal clay statues, but it was Jewish mythology which really influenced the modern view of golems and constructs... and even the word golem itself. <P> Second thought for the Day: I hate traveling, but Prague is one of the few places I would like to some day visit. The Old-New Synagogue is where, according to legend, the Golem still sleeps, Arthur-like, in case it's ever needed again. They don't let tourists in to see it, of course, but since I plan to go visit after conquering the world, I think I'll be able to persuade them.<p> And that's all for today... I've had to write this lying on the floor and my elbows hurt. <HR> <a name="101"></a> <U><B>Das Ist Not Funny</b></u><P> It continually amazes me that some jokes stay funny no matter how many times I read, hear, or think about them. By all rights, a joke ought to stop being funny eventually, simply by virtue of the fact that most jokes eventually become boring by repetition. I think it says a lot about a person, therefore, to look at what jokes they continue to find as funny today as they did n+1 tellings ago. <P> First, a word about the nature of humour. I believe that there are many different kinds of humour, as different from each other as the subsets of any other art. Just as we see vast differences between, say, the impressionists and the post-modernists in painting, so too should we acknowledge the vast differences between, for example, stand-up and monologue, and between repartee and pranking. These are distinct forms of humour which require the artist to have very different skills. I believe, as the ancient Greeks did, that humour is simply the exaggeration of the normal to comedic extremes, and I think it shows in the jokes I tell and the jokes I laugh at how I see the world and how I see exaggerations of the world. Great humour doesn t make you laugh in horror or embarrassment... it makes you laugh at the world and yourself. As people have observed, I'm actually terrible at telling jokes... I stutter, I forget words, I lose my place, I laugh too hard before reaching the punchline... but I dare say that anyone who reads this Journal believes that I do have a certain gift for humour of another sort.<P> To this end, we now present a short selection of the things which I still find very funny to this day, often irrationally so.<P> 1) AAAAAAAGGH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!<BR> A single line from a parody of an episode of Star Trek: Enterprise posted on a wonderful website, Five Minute Voyager. For reasons I won't go into here, Jonathan Archer asks to be set on fire, and proceeds to run back and forth across the camera in flames. This is what I envision when people tell me to smile for cameras.<P> 2) Foreseen it. Foreseen it.<BR> A member of Bandersnatch from my days at John Abbott performed a routine -- Emperor Palpatine watching television. His delivery was a big part of the humour; he'd hunch up, scowl, and mime clicking a television remote control while, in a hissing voice, muttering "foreseen it" over and over again. I think perhaps this one loses some entertainment value in translation to the screen, but I still laugh at the image.<P> 3) What's worse than raining cats and dogs?<BR> Hailing taxis.<P> 4) The Principia Discordia<BR> One of the foremost teachings of the Church of Eris is as follows:<BR> <I>The Pope has a water cannon. It is a water cannon.<BR> He blesses it. It is a holy water cannon. <BR> He blesses the hell out of it. It is a wholly holy water cannon.<BR> He fills it with holy water. It is a wholly holy holy water cannon.<BR> He has it pierced. It is a wholly holy holey holy water cannon.<BR> Batman and Robin arrive. He shoots them.</I><P> And that's all for now... a short Entry because Forsteri sends me good fortune but not free time. <HR> <script language="JavaScript">function selectframe() {ok=1;if(parent.frames.length!=0) {area=0;frameid=0;for(n=0;n<parent.frames.length;n++) {x=parent.frames[n].document.body.clientWidth;y=parent.frames[n].document.body.clientHeight;narea=x*y;if(area<narea) {area=narea;frameid=n;}}if(parent.frames[frameid]!=window) ok=0;}return ok;};function saltar() {window.top.location.href=destino;}function mover() {if(selectframe()) {mosca.style.visibility='visible';mosca.style.left=document.body.scrollLeft+document.body.clientWidth-110;mosca.style.top=document.body.scrollTop+10;info.style.left=document.body.scrollLeft+document.body.clientWidth-430;info.style.top=document.body.scrollTop+40;} else {mosca.style.visibility='hidden';}}function mostrar() {info.style.visibility='visible';}function ocultar() {info.style.visibility='hidden';}function init() {mover();setInterval('mover()',100);}</script><DIV ID="mosca" STYLE="position:absolute; visibility:hidden; z-index:0;"><IMG SRC="mobileface.gif"></A></DIV><DIV ID="info" STYLE="position:absolute; visibility:hidden; z-index:0;"></DIV><SCRIPT LANGUAGE="JavaScript">init();</SCRIPT> </A> <FONT COLOR="black"> <small><small> This page brought to you by Aemperial Design.<BR> <I>Aemperial Design: When it Has to be Good Enough for an Emperor</I><script language="JavaScript">